Ending the term at a new low

It's just too much. Funny how sometimes one can feel so free and other times so trapped. How the world can feel so full of oportunity one day and the next, full of lead.
Few things matter anymore. Nothing really. Mom's faveroute saying of "[In the gand scheme of things,] It doesn't matter."
The phrase "What's the point" seems to echo through everything. There is so much I want, but the endless possibilities are, in the end, my downfall. I could be doing anything, but I always seem to make the wrong choices and end up just watching the world, feeling old and like I've let opportunities fly by me.
I suppose part - probably most - of my problem lies in the fact that I am lazy. So lazy, I wouldn't know where to start describing it. And I do try. But try is all I do.... nothing more. I never succeed. An A type personality pretending and acting like I dont give a shit. I should though.
So many people have worked hard to place me where I am today, and yet......
I was so excited for the new academic year. So burning with plans and goals.
And then it all fell apart.
I know I have only myself to blame.
but I don't know myself like this.
Ambition
Adventure
ill-work-my-ass-off-to-get-what-i-want-when-i-want-it (but accepting the impossible)
A burning desire to be an Individual, at the very least.

Never this indifference.

I still do my work at the last minute, but with a difference. I only do it because I know that if i dont do this, then i might not do the next thing... and pretty soon i would be skiing down a slope impossible to climb back up.
The only classes that I haven't arrived late to have been those which follow directly after another.
Quite simply, I have no drive.

I'm doing it again right now: playing on the root of everything.
I made a list of songs. i didnt choose them based on necessarily on their words, but their sound.
And im listening to it.
I wanted Anthony to listen, but i realise now that he wont.
I did tell him not to, after all. but i still hoped he would. I knew it was dumb telling him about it, but i had to (being the emotional idiot i am) so saying it was daft was the only real defence i could think of. childish huh? you betchya!
for over a week now, i have been going on every now and then to see if there have been any new hits. but nothing. just me.

fool.

he probably wouldnt get it anyway. i should tell myself things like that. i should focus on things that made me want out in the first place. it was great last week, i made a stupid one-liner joke (wish i could remember it) and he didnt get it. spent what felt like aaages explaining it. couldnt help thinking of Martin's classic "two apples and a pear and pair of apples" its corny, i kno, but despite being a lame example of his sharp wit... I've never verbally sparred with anyone like we do. (ok, except for Marcell... but in those instances, he only talks, not listens) haha, he really does live up to his steriotype: Jewish law student ;)
too bad im not interested in dating or going steady or anything of the like.
Fortuately he got the idea when i said im all for "mannizing" (to invert Britney Spears' latest "Womanizer" song) but nothing more. which was a relief.
Devin was harder thou. I want him as a friend. He wouldnt be able to get the whole use-and-abuse idea. I suspect that even Martin has issues with it. But he is fun.

I should study......