think might be getting old.....

I think something strange is happening to me.
Ok, perhaps strange isn't really the world. Cos it’s probably natural. Just I always that if it did it would happen later in life. Not now.
I think, I think I’m broody.
I know. It sounds downright dumb, right?
But then again, not so long ago, it would have been perfectly for someone my age to have at least one child already.

I was walking from the Journ department yesterday, and as I was passing one of the resses, I saw this little pokkaninni. Her suitcase almost as big as her. Ag haai…

And I suddenly had this barely controllable urge to just sweep her up in my arms and cover her in adoring kisses – I wanted that little child there to be mine.

The realisation left me breathless, literally. I can’t say that I didn’t know what to make of it, cos I do. Nature is reminding me of my ultimate calling in life (and to hell with any feminists who want to argue that. There’s so much more to being a woman than child rearing, but by downplaying it, we fail to acknowledge the divine purpose God entrusted us. While we are given this great gift [and burden] men are denied the joy motherhood can bring…. Oh I’m talking too much. Again.)

The thing is, it’s hard knowing how to deal with it. Wonder what Mom would say. I know what I would want, understanding. And I know she would. The fact that all she wanted to do was get married and have babies since the dawn of time it a well known joke – and truth – in the family.
Maybe I’m just like this because I am (no, really, I AM) craving human contact. And we all know that a simple hug won’t suffice in this case. I need something to love, to dote on. Even an animal. And I know that that would help sooth me, but I’m denied even that: Griselda is far far away at home.

Craving. It’s a good word.

Really, it’s; like a physical hunger. Think now I understand why people trapped on islands try so hard to escape. The loneliness gets to you, you know.

That’s probably why solitary confinement is such a big thing.
And I’m actually quite a solitary person, so you must know.

I’ve just had the MOST horrific random thought. Oh hell! Some little voice in my head just muttered “if the circumstances made it ok, I’d be very happy to be pregnant”….. Um. Don’t want to know what I will think when I read this post after forgetting about it. But, my word, that’s a scary thing to think. What makes it freakier is the fact it’s TRUE!

No, don’t worry; I’m not about to go throw myself at someone and to get my belly full. I’m just hypothesising. IF. If, that’s all. IF I had someone now, and it was normal and ok for it to happen now (as in my whole future wouldn’t be messed) then I think I’d be happy about it.

Was watchin family guy today, and in the episode the women were going on about the whole ‘pain of childbirth’ jol. And I thought to myself, hell, it must be incredibly painful. But it’s the kind of pain that I DO want to experience. (I have a feeling I will have a very different take on things when I finally happens). Suppose I see it as a rite of passage, kinda. Something to bitch about, but at the same time, something I wouldn’t trade. Like that other pain, which apparently I won’t feel. Dum as it is, it sucked knowing that. Ug.

I mean, I don’t want just anybody to love, to dote on. To touch tenderly and to have my eyes soften on. But I do want someone. So badly. I know I have so much, asking for more is probably just plain greedy, especially when I have all these things want in conjunction with that specialness. For one thing, I don’t ever want to do the long distance thing again. Ever. A lover should be able to just come round, just randomly hang out. When it’s LD, it’s all so planned, so contrived.