think might be getting old.....

I think something strange is happening to me.
Ok, perhaps strange isn't really the world. Cos it’s probably natural. Just I always that if it did it would happen later in life. Not now.
I think, I think I’m broody.
I know. It sounds downright dumb, right?
But then again, not so long ago, it would have been perfectly for someone my age to have at least one child already.

I was walking from the Journ department yesterday, and as I was passing one of the resses, I saw this little pokkaninni. Her suitcase almost as big as her. Ag haai…

And I suddenly had this barely controllable urge to just sweep her up in my arms and cover her in adoring kisses – I wanted that little child there to be mine.

The realisation left me breathless, literally. I can’t say that I didn’t know what to make of it, cos I do. Nature is reminding me of my ultimate calling in life (and to hell with any feminists who want to argue that. There’s so much more to being a woman than child rearing, but by downplaying it, we fail to acknowledge the divine purpose God entrusted us. While we are given this great gift [and burden] men are denied the joy motherhood can bring…. Oh I’m talking too much. Again.)

The thing is, it’s hard knowing how to deal with it. Wonder what Mom would say. I know what I would want, understanding. And I know she would. The fact that all she wanted to do was get married and have babies since the dawn of time it a well known joke – and truth – in the family.
Maybe I’m just like this because I am (no, really, I AM) craving human contact. And we all know that a simple hug won’t suffice in this case. I need something to love, to dote on. Even an animal. And I know that that would help sooth me, but I’m denied even that: Griselda is far far away at home.

Craving. It’s a good word.

Really, it’s; like a physical hunger. Think now I understand why people trapped on islands try so hard to escape. The loneliness gets to you, you know.

That’s probably why solitary confinement is such a big thing.
And I’m actually quite a solitary person, so you must know.

I’ve just had the MOST horrific random thought. Oh hell! Some little voice in my head just muttered “if the circumstances made it ok, I’d be very happy to be pregnant”….. Um. Don’t want to know what I will think when I read this post after forgetting about it. But, my word, that’s a scary thing to think. What makes it freakier is the fact it’s TRUE!

No, don’t worry; I’m not about to go throw myself at someone and to get my belly full. I’m just hypothesising. IF. If, that’s all. IF I had someone now, and it was normal and ok for it to happen now (as in my whole future wouldn’t be messed) then I think I’d be happy about it.

Was watchin family guy today, and in the episode the women were going on about the whole ‘pain of childbirth’ jol. And I thought to myself, hell, it must be incredibly painful. But it’s the kind of pain that I DO want to experience. (I have a feeling I will have a very different take on things when I finally happens). Suppose I see it as a rite of passage, kinda. Something to bitch about, but at the same time, something I wouldn’t trade. Like that other pain, which apparently I won’t feel. Dum as it is, it sucked knowing that. Ug.

I mean, I don’t want just anybody to love, to dote on. To touch tenderly and to have my eyes soften on. But I do want someone. So badly. I know I have so much, asking for more is probably just plain greedy, especially when I have all these things want in conjunction with that specialness. For one thing, I don’t ever want to do the long distance thing again. Ever. A lover should be able to just come round, just randomly hang out. When it’s LD, it’s all so planned, so contrived.

"Americans are Stupid"

A landslide destroys a community, homes are damaged, belongings lost, and people die.

A month later someone buys the property.....

(marcell)

oh SO true

Ending the term at a new low

It's just too much. Funny how sometimes one can feel so free and other times so trapped. How the world can feel so full of oportunity one day and the next, full of lead.
Few things matter anymore. Nothing really. Mom's faveroute saying of "[In the gand scheme of things,] It doesn't matter."
The phrase "What's the point" seems to echo through everything. There is so much I want, but the endless possibilities are, in the end, my downfall. I could be doing anything, but I always seem to make the wrong choices and end up just watching the world, feeling old and like I've let opportunities fly by me.
I suppose part - probably most - of my problem lies in the fact that I am lazy. So lazy, I wouldn't know where to start describing it. And I do try. But try is all I do.... nothing more. I never succeed. An A type personality pretending and acting like I dont give a shit. I should though.
So many people have worked hard to place me where I am today, and yet......
I was so excited for the new academic year. So burning with plans and goals.
And then it all fell apart.
I know I have only myself to blame.
but I don't know myself like this.
Ambition
Adventure
ill-work-my-ass-off-to-get-what-i-want-when-i-want-it (but accepting the impossible)
A burning desire to be an Individual, at the very least.

Never this indifference.

I still do my work at the last minute, but with a difference. I only do it because I know that if i dont do this, then i might not do the next thing... and pretty soon i would be skiing down a slope impossible to climb back up.
The only classes that I haven't arrived late to have been those which follow directly after another.
Quite simply, I have no drive.

I'm doing it again right now: playing on the root of everything.
I made a list of songs. i didnt choose them based on necessarily on their words, but their sound.
And im listening to it.
I wanted Anthony to listen, but i realise now that he wont.
I did tell him not to, after all. but i still hoped he would. I knew it was dumb telling him about it, but i had to (being the emotional idiot i am) so saying it was daft was the only real defence i could think of. childish huh? you betchya!
for over a week now, i have been going on every now and then to see if there have been any new hits. but nothing. just me.

fool.

he probably wouldnt get it anyway. i should tell myself things like that. i should focus on things that made me want out in the first place. it was great last week, i made a stupid one-liner joke (wish i could remember it) and he didnt get it. spent what felt like aaages explaining it. couldnt help thinking of Martin's classic "two apples and a pear and pair of apples" its corny, i kno, but despite being a lame example of his sharp wit... I've never verbally sparred with anyone like we do. (ok, except for Marcell... but in those instances, he only talks, not listens) haha, he really does live up to his steriotype: Jewish law student ;)
too bad im not interested in dating or going steady or anything of the like.
Fortuately he got the idea when i said im all for "mannizing" (to invert Britney Spears' latest "Womanizer" song) but nothing more. which was a relief.
Devin was harder thou. I want him as a friend. He wouldnt be able to get the whole use-and-abuse idea. I suspect that even Martin has issues with it. But he is fun.

I should study......